Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
014920081120

To:
The People Who Make LOST

Claim:
Okay, I understand making us wait--but having really short seasons and then making us wait a full year? I don't like being jerked around. Yes, it's a television show. Yes, it's rotting my brain. But I have no reason to throw stuffed animals at the television anymore.

And I like throwing stuffed animals.









Claim No.:
020620081204

To:
The Inaugural Committee, Washington, DC

Claim:
I'm sure you folks have your hands full. And I imagine a lot of people are chiming in on how to handle the big day. Just wanted to drop a line to remind you to watch out for "Wardrobe Malfunctions." The Superbowl people neglected that one a few years back, and it really screwed up the whole event. Nothing would set a less presidential tone than something like that, so heads up!









Claim No.:
029220090106

To:
SPCA, Houston

Claim:
For killing all 187 pitbulls seized in that 'humane' operation in December without giving them any kind of temperament evaluation--you deserve a 'special' award. We'd like to buy you a...shot.









Claim No.:
025920081216

To:
Apple

Claim:
While all of San Francisco is bent out of shape about Apple's brazen and abhorrent decision not to participate in MacWorld, I am tortured by a much smaller frustration: the inexplicably short power cord that comes with the MacBook. A wireless connection is pointless when one must remain tethered to a wall by an apparatus no longer than an umbilical cord. While you might enjoy working underneath a reception desk, just outside a public restroom, or on the sink next to the coffee maker, chances are that the rest of your clientele does not.









Claim No.:
029120090106

To:
Spaghettios

Claim:
Thank you for creating the most delicious round ring noodles in the history of the planet.









Claim No.:
017620081201

To:
MUNI Transit, San Francisco

Claim:
I don't know what the etiquette is for putting my bicycle on those bike racks on the front of buses. Ideally, there would be a little instructional video you could look at online maybe? Somehow, this information should be conveyed. I want to use them, but MUNI drivers are often so impatient, I don't want to tie things up while I try to figure out how the contraption works. So often my plan to ride and bike goes out the window.









Claim No.:
017720081201

To:
Crepeville, Davis CA

Claim:
Dear Crepeville,

Can you please get a suggestion box? I do love your restaurant, but there are a few things I think you could improve on. And since I go there often, I don't want to complain in person and make you think I'm a complainer. Thank you.









Claim No.:
019520081203

To:
The Gym Teachers of America

Claim:
We spent a couple of hours together every week for my entire childhood, and I think that during that time I was hit with an average of two dodgeballs a day. Plus there was that one time when I kicked the soccer ball at the same time as Jessica Mintier and fell backwards and blacked out. Did I mention that I was the kid who the team captains negotiated about NOT having to take for any given team? Always?

Anyhow, I grew up thinking that I was bad at sports, and that I hated all of them.

Now I realize: it's only sports that involve balls thrown at or kicked towards me.

Please diversify your elementary school curricula: some of us spent years covered with welts for no good reason.









Claim No.:
025620081216

To:
Edgewood Arts, Waupaca, WI

Claim:
We love your store. We like shopping locally and we dig the variety of supplies you have there. The thing is that it is getting more and more messy and disorganized as the years go on. I had to leave the other day because I couldn't think! I hope you can consult with someone who can help you change things up. I think it will really help your business.









Claim No.:
026420081218

To:
Iceberg Lettuce

Claim:
Why?









Claim No.:
025220081215

To:
His Excellency Mr Robert Mugabe, Harare

Claim:
Congratulations on ending the cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe! Let's toast the occasion together with a glass of local tap water!

(By the way, we're glad to see the new house has been completed.)









Claim No.:
020520081204

To:
2008

Claim:
You suck.

[A reply has been posted]

Related:
David Rooney, Curator of Timekeeping, Royal Observatory, Greenwich







Claim No.:
020020081204

To:
Volvo Dealership, Mt. Kisco, NY

Claim:
The trunk door on the V70 wagon rattles and you sell a fixit package to try to resecure the bits inside the wall of the door that come apart and cause the rattle. But, A, you shouldn't have to pay $45 for it, B, the fixit thing is useless, and C, the whole thing is bogozoid. A replacement back door would be a classier move. My two year old asked me twenty times in a row, "What that noise Mommy?" last night when she was trying to catch some z's.









Claim No.:
018320081202

To:
The troops

Claim:
What to say, really. Happy holidays.









Claim No.:
017820081201

To:
Diane Baltazar, Verizon Customer Service

Claim:
Dear Diane (or was it Diana?),

In an age when I didn't think I could call a helpline without losing all faith in humanity, I called you about my business's phone line and you were clear, helpful, and cheerful. You made my day. I tried to find out how to tell your manager how awesome you are, but the other people at the call center were not nearly as competent as you, and I couldn't find out how.

Thank you for being so helpful! I wish you would hold a class for the call center people at Dell and Time Warner Cable. They are not helpful or nice, nor do they make any sense.




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