Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
072120110414

To:
US Postal Service

Claim:
I love the US Postal Service! Mindboggling what you guys will do for 28 cents. I would never bring a small piece of cardboard all the way across the country to a stranger's house for the price of I can't actually think of anything that costs that little.

Some people are upset over this business about using the Las Vegas Statue of Liberty as the basis of your new stamp design instead of the real one in New York. But I'll tell you this much: if you guys keep up this insane deal where you'll bring a postcard all the way up to Egegik, Alaska for 28 cents, you might need to start spending more time in Vegas. At the roulette wheel I mean!

I'm not an expert on forgeries of famous statues or whatever but there is no way you can stay in business making trips like that to Egegik. I'm not even sure there's a road to get there in the wintertime. But I love that you'll keep doing it, every time I put another postcard in the mail. Whoops gotta go, time to head back to Egegik! Man that must take forever. It's not funny but I still can't stop sending you up there.









Claim No.:
066720100720

To:
Pennsylvania

Claim:
Would the East Coast just fall into the ocean if you, the Keystone State, were plucked from the map and moved somewhere else?

Worried East Coastian









Claim No.:
061220091112

To:
TOTO USA, Morrow, Georgia

Claim:
If you are going to design low-flush toilets, they should work with one flush. Otherwise it defeats the purpose. It makes me think you guys didn't get the concept. I have installed two versions of your efficient toilet, including the dual-flush, and I still need to flush twice for #2.









Claim No.:
006820080923

To:
Specialty's Bakery on Spear St, San Francisco, CA

Claim:
First, I want to thank whoever it was that put that piece of blue masking tape on the hot water urn saying "HOT WATER ONLY." This was a big deal for me, as I've had three nasty experiences over the years where my tea tasted like old coffee. Now, to seal the deal and turn me into a more frequent customer, might I suggest that you make the "HOT WATER" actually hot? Lukewarm water makes for crappy tea almost as much as coffee-tasting water does.

Finally, what's the deal with your name? Drives me nuts.









Claim No.:
061720091201

To:
Alice Fredericks, Mayor of Tiburon, CA

Claim:
Mayor Fredericks:

Your support for the plan to install security cameras to record the license plate of every car entering Tiburon raises many questions. For example: what crime wave are you working to address? Your town seems as safe as any I've heard of. Do you think giving in to the exaggerated fears of your town will diminish these anxieties? It seems a kind of town-wide therapy rally might do more to help your townsfolk recognize the uncommonly high levels of safety and privilege in their streets. Not sure what Dr. Phil's speaking fees are, but those cameras sound expensive.

I am not a criminal of any kind but I must point out that these proposed measures could have the undesired affect of inviting people who think it sounds like fun to rob by bicycle. I'm told your town is committed to widening its bike lanes, yes?

Good luck with the PR campaign and the coming lawsuits, sounds complicated.









Claim No.:
056920090619

To:
Programing Director, WRTI, Temple University Radio Station, Philadelphia, PA

Claim:
Please stop playing, ad nausea, Barber's Adagio for Strings. It's so over used, cliched and sickeningly sentimental. Hearing it every Wednesday at around the same time makes me have the Pavlovian impulse to turn off your radio station. I've been considering not retaining my membership--one more hearing of this piece of music will tip me over to listening to Talk Radio. Please make the Adagio go away for a long, long while.

Sincerely,

D. R. Gorniak
Philadelphia









Claim No.:
047520090301

To:
San Francisco Examiner

Claim:
Dear San Francisco Examiner,

We'd love it if you would stop "delivering" this daily free paper. None of us who lives in this building reads it. The four papers in their bags fill with water and sludge. It's work just to keep throwing them in the recycling bin and an incredible waste of natural resources. Perhaps you will become an online only paper soon, but until then, we beg of you, to stop throwing them near the doorstep each day.

Regards,
939 Noe St, especially apt #3









Claim No.:
022120081207

To:
Mother Nature

Claim:
Capillary action is cool.









Claim No.:
059320090727

To:
Beta 90 Computer, Inc, San Francisco, CA

Claim:
Your company is ready for a name change.









Claim No.:
049020090324

To:
Lean Cuisine

Claim:
Should a few small red bell pepper skin shavings be considered a "serving of vegetables" in your frozen entrees?









Claim No.:
059120090727

To:
Woolly Fair, Providence, RI

Claim:
The tire tornado was awesome!









Claim No.:
058420090713

To:
California Employment Development Department (EDD)

Claim:
Who are all these people who manage to get through to EDD? Whenever I call, I'm informed that 'due to the high volume of calls we are experiencing we are unable to take your call.'

Whose calls ARE you taking? Or are you just having fun watching the phones light up?









Claim No.:
059220090727

To:
Solar Car Wash, Berkeley, CA

Claim:
"FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE THIS MACHINE ONLY ACCEPTS ONE DOLLAR COINS."









Claim No.:
058620090722

To:
Neil Bluhm, Owner, Sugarhouse Casino, Philadelphia, PA

Claim:
Slot machines are boring and casinos are for suckers. And I like my neighborhood and community. And people in Philly are poor enough and you are already rich enough.

How about forgetting this whole gambling business and take up some gardening? Or if that is not an option, how about you put a slot barn next to Neil Bluhm's home in Chicago?









Claim No.:
057220090626

To:
Hurricane namers, National Hurricane Center, Miami, FL

Claim:
I would like to see hurricane names more closely track baby naming fashion--more Phoebes, Chloes, and Jadens ripping through our towns.




1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 Next
 


All images copyright Tucker Nichols